


Of Crushes and Heartbreak

by JenRoseKandoit (SayuriRoseKandoit)



Category: Original Work
Genre: First Crush, Friendship, Gen, Growing Up, Heartbreak, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Male-Female Friendship, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-17
Updated: 2011-04-17
Packaged: 2017-10-18 06:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/186132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SayuriRoseKandoit/pseuds/JenRoseKandoit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follow me as I went through the crazy ties of a crush and heartbreak over one guy. One guy who still means everything to me, even after all I did to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Seeing the Future?

**Author's Note:**

> Where it all started: 8th grade.

In 8th grade, it started as a friendship between a new girl and a country boy. As they went through their first year of high school, the girl began to lose her mind, obsession over the boy took over. From then on out, the girl could never look at the boy the same way again.

Over the course of the next 2 years, leading up to Junior year of high school, the obsession the girl had with the boy intensified. However, when Junior year started, the girl felt the beginnings of a friendship once again. She knew she had caused the boy pain due to her unnatural obsession, however she had been losing her mind and felt that he was the only one who could save her. That never did happen.

Instead, the boy rejected her and refused to believe that she had been losing her mind. He still does that to this day, which really hurts the girl to the point where she would rather rip her own heart out and bleed to death, then accept his apology for not believing her.

Now both the boy and the girl are Seniors in high school, she still likes him and wants to repair her friendship with him, apologize for what she had done over the past 4 years. He won't talk to her and hasn't talked to her for almost 5 months now.

Because of this, the girl can never close the most terrifying chapter of her life. All she can do is pray and hope that he can forgive her.


	2. A Daydream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A daydream that never came true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this about 3 years ago now. I am a freshman in college and I still feel the same way about him. Despite how our friendship ended at the end of our junior year, I still love him.

I am sitting here, under a tree, with a lovely boy holding me in his arms. Who is this boy, might you ask? Well he is my boyfriend, Dylan Luke. He is caring, loving, sweet and intuitive; everything I look for in a guy. How is it that we ended up in this relationship you ask? Well, read on and find out.

It all started in eighth grade, the summer I moved from New Jersey to Pennsylvania. It had been about two months since school started. I had about a dozen friends. Only about six were my closest friends.

Well, it was late October when I was finally introduced to him, the boy I would grow to love. I immediately connected with him. He and I were like two peas in a pod, but with some differences. He was the youngest of his family and I the eldest. He had two older brothers and I had two younger brothers. We got along like old friends meeting again after a long time. That was when the rumors began.

After us being friends for a month or so, rumors went around saying that he and I were dating. Well, we really weren't, although I wished we were. Because of these rumors, I started to fall in love with him. However, at the time, I only had a crush on him. Over the course of the year, I fell deeper in love with him. When the school year came to an end, we signed each others yearbooks and said goodbye until the next year.

When our Freshman year started, I found that I still harbored feelings for him, but also had feelings for another guy, Patrick. It turned out Patrick was a jerk and so I lost all feelings for him. I also saw that he had other interests, and they were not in me. That was when I made myself a goal: win Dylan's heart before the end of our high school years. That was my goal then and is still my goal now.

I am now a Sophomore. I am still struggling to win Dylan's affection. I hope that, one day at least, I will be his girlfriend and that he will love me for who I am.

This story started with my dreams that will one day, I hope, come true. I am looking towards the future, hoping that Dylan and I can be together as more than friends. My name is Jennifer Rose and I am in love with my best friend, Dylan Luke.


	3. A Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could be one of those girls who obtain his attention. But the only attentions that I get are those of a close 'girlfriend' (a girl who is just a friend).

I have a crush on my best guy friend Dylan. I have had a crush on him since our Freshman year of high school, which was just last year. I've been giving off small signals of my affection for quite sometime, hoping he would catch what I was trying to say. But he's oblivious and doesn't notice. What he does notice are these other girls that he has crushes on. I wish I could be one of those girls who obtain his attention. But the only attentions that I get are those of a close 'girlfriend' (a girl who is just a friend).

But today, January 16, I was told that he has a crush on me too. I was so excited to hear that he liked me as well. However, when I questioned him about it he said no, therefore denying it. And he denied it harshly. I was a little heart broken to listen to him say that word. I just couldn't believe he would say such a thing. After all that I had done to get his attention. Was it something I did? Said? What was it that I had done? I would like to know so that I could fix it.

As I thought more and more on that subject, I remembered that people had assumed we were going out in eighth grade. I also remembered that I had told him of my crush at the time. One vital part I remember him saying was "It will probably go away in a couple of months." Well, he was wrong. It is still here, close to two-and-a half years later, and getting harder and harder for me to contain in my heart. To me, it seems like I'll stay in this heart broken depression forever.

To relieve some of the depression, I wrote this poem, hoping that it will make me better:

My love has rejected me,  
He has gone away.

But what he doesn't see  
Is that I want him to stay  
Close to me where I'm safe.

He was my haven in this world,  
Someone trustworthy I could talk to.

I wanted him to be that way forever,  
However things have changed.

I loved him as more than a boy.

Now that I've been his toy,  
I feel my time has come.

I feel that I should get some real love.

I see now that my heart was once clean  
But what can be seen  
Is the broken heart of a true lover.

After I wrote this poem, I felt a little better. However, the stabbing pain was still there. I know that once he finally realizes his feelings for me, I'll be with someone else. But what I do know is that my love for him will never go away. The saying goes "Birds of a feather stick together". Well, if the saying is true, then once Dylan and I get together again, we will be inseparable. We will be what people would like to call 'High school sweethearts'. I know that because true love goes a long way when you find you're significant other. Like the sun, moon and stars in a sense. They are connected because they create the day and night. Just like me and Dylan.


	4. Changes in the Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation between a stranger, myself and his older brother through YouTube messages.

yamirose: I know a guy and he's one of my best friends and he knows I like him, but thinks its an obsession. He has no idea how I really feel about him. I think he's in denial. I wouldn't know because he won't tell me anything. He only tells me about how he likes this other girl and it makes me jealous. He will never find out how much I really like him, never in a million years.

Disneynut16: I think that you should sit him down and really tell him how you feel, and not let him go until he understands that you really like him and aren't obsessed. It might be hard, but it in the end it may have all been worth it.

yamirose: Well, I already have done something along those lines and he still thinks I have a huge obsession with him. He...just doesn't want to accept the reality of it. And it's more his problem now then it is mine. I've moved on, but I still think about him. He even thinks I've moved on when I haven't. I refuse to give up on him. He may go out with other girls, but I'm a fighter. I will fight for the people I love. No matter how they may feel about me.

Everything that I said in this convo is true. I...really do like Dylan and if he doesn't like me that way then fine. He can go and move to another state for all I care. If you wish to see the actual postings then go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?vnL5bT1oZdnY#prJhnsnRdRQ . There you will not only see the video, but also what I said.

Jen

kyleverno says: leve him alown ok

I have left him alone! I just can't stop thinking about him. Well, I'll have him know that I regret going out with Kevin. Every time, I talked to Kevin, or was around Kevin for that matter, it felt like I was severing my heart literally in half. Dylan has no idea how precious his friendship is to me. He's one of the few guys that I've actually had a friendship with.

But I guess he doesn't care. I guess he doesn't care about the fact that I care about him. Even possibly as more than a friend. He just decided to throw it back in my face. If that is the case, then why bother even talking to him in school. I'll simply ignore him. Kyle, there is nothing you can do about it either. Justin can't do anything about it either.

I tried to show that I'm not just a bitch to people. I've tried opening up to them and look where it's landed me. Loving the only guy who has ever been brave enough and cared enough to see past my cold, outer shell that I show the world. Doing that is the only way for me to protect myself emotionally. And yet, I still ended up hurt.

I still ended up crying myself to sleep some nights. And it's all because of Dylan and how he never gave me a chance.

I hope he enjoys the rest of his life knowing this.


	5. Start of a Broken Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter I received in my locker not too long after the events of Chapter 4.

Jen,

I like you "JUST"!!! as a "FRIEND"!!! But nothing more.

You've loved me for almost 3 years. Now, you have to get over me. Jen, some things could happen and this is what I see. Either I can go out with this girl and not be able to stay friends and let our good friendship die. I could also be alone for a long time, then do something stupid with you and go out with you when there was nothing there and end up breaking up with you and losing you as a friend completely. Or I could be alone forever until the day I die. You have to get over me because in everyone you lose something. I lose something to a friend, my happiness, someone I can be happy with. But if you can't get over your obsession with me then I can't be your friend. I have to take my happiness into consideration, so I'm going out with her whether you like it or not and if you can't handle seeing me with another girl or another girl in my arms, then we just can't be friends.


	6. Stalker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had to tell him how long I had actually had those feelings for him. He didn't want to listen.

Dylan

This message may not mean a lot to you by the time you're reading it, but I know it's affecting me emotionally. I have allot to say and even if I'm not personally saying it, please at least read on and see what I have to say.

The first thing I have to say to you is that I am NOT a stalker. Jackie told me what you really thought of me during gym class and I told her that I'll move on to another guy and you'll be stuck thinking about me. Just know now that, if you do eventually realize what I already have, I'll laugh in your face and say that you should've acted sooner.

The second thing is about the YouTube videos I made about you. Those videos were not directly about you. They were my way of releasing my pent up emotions and were intended to be like my video diary. Obviously that didn't work because you then assumed that I was a stalker. You, of the many people, should know that I have a hard time expressing myself and I have found that writing is one of the few ways I can do that.

The third thing is....about my 'love' for you. It has seemed like I have 'loved' you for a little over three years now. Well....in reality....it's only been about a year. From that simple kiss on the cheek because of the Truth or Dare game at Jackie's 16th birthday onward.....I have felt more than just the crush I had for almost 2 years.

To be honest.....I don't think anything else you have done to me could've made me redder in the face than that moment. Jackie even says that, if you weren't so oblivious and stupid (yes I agree with her) about you're feelings; we would make a cute couple.

I just want you to know that....wherever I go, let you're spirit follow me. I only ask for that because when you're around me, I feel much protected. It's like you're my security blanket, something/someone that I can feel safe with, knowing that I am being watched over and helped when I need it.

I know that this won't give you any interest, but I thought that you should know how I truly feel and why. And please...for the sake of my already broken heart...doesn't go breaking it any further. Otherwise, I don't know who will help me pick up the bigger pieces and at least get them together. The smaller ones will be irreplaceable........just like you.

Jen


	7. Sorry Isn't Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to apologize and try to get our friendship back on track. It was far harder than I thought it would be.

Dylan,

I'm sorry about how I treated you before I started dating Kevin. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I was a jealous bitch and I shouldn't have been. My actions almost made me lose you as a precious friend. You are one of the few people I actually feel that I can trust. No other guys, at any age, wanted to be my friend. They all thought I was ugly, rude, stuck up, and bossy. They, unlike you, didn't look deep enough to see that there was a lonely girl who was terrified to death of the new environment she was in. It actually makes me cry tears of joy to know that you became my friend. I cry tears of joy as I type this because what I made us go through didn't lose our friendship, but in my eyes, made it stronger. If we can withstand something like that, then I think we can, as friends, withstand anything.

I also type this to let you know that I may still have these feelings for you, but I will move on and search for other guys. I won't stay the way I am right now, being what you called 'obsessed'. I was actually, in all truth, just acting the way that a shy, scared, hormonal girl would have. I know now that I was acting like a 13-year-old again. I should start acting like I'm 16, but I simply can't, I'm too much of a child. I always will be a child at heart, no matter what happens. Only you bring out that energetic child in me. That's what I find special about you.

Anyway, I feel that I've rambled for a little too long at this point. But now you know everything that was going on inside my head then and now. If this makes think differently of me, then I understand. If you still think the same way of me after reading this, then I'm glad nothing has changed between us.

See you next year!

Your good friend,

Jennifer Rose Kantrowitz

P.S. yes, this means that I will accept almost any girl that you choose to go out with.


	8. Never To Be Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dylan didn't understand the emotional troubles I was going through. I wanted him to at least comfort me but that level of our friendship was forever lost.

Dylan.......

maybe if you actually talked to me instead of basing everything on my past actions, you will find that i have changed. however, since you won't do either, i guess i ruined out friendship more than i thought.

besides, i live all the way in South Dakota. a relationship of more than friendship has been, and always will be, impossible. i realized that this past summer. i deluded myself into thinking that it was possible 10th and 11th grade and now it's come back like devil and bitten me, painfully, in the ass.

i haven't told more than a dozen people about my emotional problems and the reason why i have them now. you remember the day i told you my mom had moved away? well.....after that my dad took care of my brothers and I. what i didn't tell you was the emotional trauma my dad was causing nights i went to sleep crying my eyes out because he would yell at me for screwing uo something or not doing something his way. you wanna know why i never got to hang out w/ u, Damion, & everyone else? my dad forced me to look after my brothers on Fridays so I COULDN'T hang out w/ u guys. My dad forced me to have no social life our junior year. and the woman my dad was seeing......Diane, sometimes he would bring her home and she would sit and 'talk' with me. after those 'talks' i usually went to sleep crying. because of my dad, i was literally losing my sanity.

that's why i moved out to South Dakota to be with my mom. she understands me and encourages me to do better. she's helping me get better emotionally too. i still have flashbacks of what my dad would say to me and she helps me by telling me that she's there to help me. and ever since then, i've found that i'm at my happiest.

Dylan, my 14 and 7 year old brothers are still living w/ my dad and I worry about them. I worry about what he's doing to them emotionally. You have older siblings so you have NO CLUE as to how much responsibility I feel that i have for my brothers.

And as for me liking you....I never really did. It was an unrealistic fantasy I deluded myself into so that my sanity wouldn't be lost. Right now, especially after the Kevin incident, I have found that I'm happier being single. The only thing right now that would make me really happy is having you as my friend, my brother, again.


	9. First Attempt at Rekindling Our Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We had our first civil conversation after so many months of silently fighting. I was happy to be talking to him again. I felt like I had a piece of my best friend back.

After the fallout between Dylan and I, it took us literally months to communicate with our having an emotional breakdown (this tended to be me more than him). When I spoke to him on that cold January night, I felt somewhat relieved and yet, I was still sad. I knew that somewhere deep down inside, he still hated me and that it would take a very long time for him to ever fully forgive me.

This conversation was only the tip of the iceberg.

 _Jen: hey. can we talk? please?_

 _Dylan: ok_

 _Jen: you remember what i said when we were in 11th grade right?_

 _Dylan: no not really_

 _Jen: well......i said that i loved you. looking back on it....it was my way of keeping my sanity._

 _Dylan: ok_

 _Jen: my dad emotionally abused me while i lived with him. he treated me like a slave instead of his daughter._

 _Dylan: ok. i get u_

 _Jen: i still get nightmares of when he would yell at me. i cry myself to sleep when i remember those times. i also know that they will forever haunt i wanted you to know that i never liked you in the way i said i did._

 _Jen: i was never in love with you to begin with._

 _Jen: tht's all i have to say. if you don't want to talk to me ever again......i understand._

 _Jen: do you hate me??_

 _Dylan: if e_

 _Jen: huh?_

 _Dylan: it ife_

 _Jen: how so?_

 _Dylan: its if i dont really want to talk to u but i don't really hate u_

 _Jen: ok._

 _Jen: i have only a faint understanding of what i caused......but i'm ok with knowing also that you don't really hate me but we're also not really friends again are we?_

 _Jen: listen....i kno its like 4am there. i'm heading to bed since it's 3am and i still have physics and government homework to tackle. ok? but...it's nice to not be hostile anymore. i don't like being that kind of person to my friends. :] night._

 _Dylan: night jen_

After this conversation with him, a part of me finally felt at peace. I knew that he still didn't like me, but at least we were on the path to start the slow healing of our friendship.


	10. Communications and Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I never did actually find out if he forgave me for everything I had done. But this was a step in the right direction.

The night of September 5, 2010 found me unable to sleep. So…I turned to my normal 'play until I can sleep' social networking site: Facebook. While I was online, I noticed a certain someone, who I had been trying to reconcile with for some time by this point, was also online. So…I sent him a message.

The conversation went like this:

 _Jen: i have something i wanna say. will u let me?_

 _Dylan: ok_

 _Jen: u remember how i acted in the past right?_

 _Dylan: yeah_

 _Jen: well.....when i've gone back and thought about it....._

 _i was being rather vain and a little self-centered._

 _i also was literally losing my mind._

 _i found out i am bipolar this past summer._

 _to say that i was frightened to tears would be an understatement._

 _u kno the phrase 'distance makes the heart grow fonder'?_

 _Dylan: yeah_

 _Jen: well....i've come to the conclusion tht while i kno i really like u tht way.....i won't go after you and force my feelings onto you._

 _Dylan: ok_

 _Jen: i can't do that 2 some1 who's 1300 miles away and will nvr return them._

 _it's bad enough that i feel like our friendship is shattered, but i'd rather sacrifice my heart and have friendship rebuilt._

 _u get what i'm saying? w/u....i'd rather keep a friendship then a relationship tht will nvr happen._

 _it's taken me 2 years, but i kno tht we nvr had a chance at a relationship. we're too much alike._

 _i'm sorry for hurting u. and i'm sorry if i complicated some things for you._

 _i've said what i wanted to say for the past 4 months. i hope u can forgive me._

 _dylan....do u forgive me?_

After that conversation, I waited 2 and a half months until I felt I could talk to him again.


	11. Second Attempt at Rekindling Our Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, I felt that while our friendship may remain awkward, at least we can still talk to one another.
> 
> A letter I wrote to him, stating how much I missed being his friend.

I really miss being your friend. I think about you all the time and yet….you are no longer as forgiving as you once were. Your own life experiences have hardened you into someone I do not know. I miss your smile, I miss your laugh, I miss your confidence (when I had none), I miss the sense of security you gave me, but most of all I miss YOU. Why did I go and screw up our friendship the way I did? Why did I bring you down when my mental stability was failing me? Why did I not see that you were better off without me?

I don't know if you know this, Dylan, but you were one of the few who helped me up when I was down. I can never forgive myself for what I did. I hope that one day you can forgive me for what I had done to you, and our friendship. I promised not to go after you romantically. However, that will NOT stop me from going after your friendship again. Your friendship with me is one of a kind; it's not the same with all the other guys that I'm friends with. I saw something in you that day I met you, I don't know what it was, but it was something special. YOU are special and deserve someone a lot better than me.

I know you think me self-absorbed. However, you couldn't be any farther from the truth. I am the type of person who would rather give up her own happiness for the sake of others. I also keep my true emotions locked inside of me so that I won't get hurt by anyone. I emotionally cut myself for every screw up I've caused. I hope that the next time I come out to Pennsylvania; I can show you that I am a changed person. I'm far different from when I was living in Pennsylvania.

Dylan, I will always love you. I know that to be true. But, if I want to see you happy, then I will sacrifice my own happiness for yours. One day, I will find someone who is as special to me as you are. I can always hope for that, no matter how impossible it may seem.

Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure you're still pissed at me, I want you to know that this is how I feel, real and raw. I want us to be friends again. Will you allow that? We will never be the same again, but at least repairs on our friendship can start their long journey.

Think about it will you? Please, talk to me sometime soon. I want to know if you're an uncle yet. I remember that you were ecstatic to become one about 5 months ago. I want to see that Dylan again, even if it's only in my minds eye.


End file.
